By Avner Friedman, age 18
Daddy told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say
And if you do this it’ll help you
Some sunny day”
Oh, yeah
Those are my very slightly revised words to the beginning of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Simple Man.”
While in that song, a mother gives words of wisdom on how Skynyrd should lead his life, my own father never really did that. He couldn’t. He died when I was 12. He fell from the window of an apartment.
My dad was able to teach me some specific skills, like how to chop wood so that we could use it in our fireplace. Now, even with him gone, I know how to swing a hatchet right into that spot where a small log splits cleanly. This is probably not the most relevant life skill, but it matters because he taught it to me.
Missed lessons–like replacing car tires
Another memory I have of him is watching him replace the flat tire on our SUV when I was five. My father and I sometimes took the car to the backyard to sleep in it. I’d lie in the backseat and my father would recline the driver seat all the way down. Not so comfortable, but fun.
On the day he replaced the tire, I watched as he explained what he was doing. I was too young to help but I paid close attention as he brought the car jack out, placed it near the flat tire, and then took out the lug nuts to remove the tire. I felt pride in his ability–and excitement he’d eventually teach me exactly how to do it myself.
That never came to pass.
Experience Camps offered me male mentors
For us boys and young men who experience the death of a father-figure, we miss out on a lot of basic and essential skills that aren’t taught in the classroom. Things like shaving and giving a firm handshake and considering colleges and jobs.
That’s why I’m grateful for Experience Camps, which not only gave us a place to share our grief but provided male mentorship. One of the most meaningful experiences was the “Adulting 101” workshop that taught us practical skills.
Our bunk of campers attended an evening workshop for a few hours in which we went from station to station to learn a new skill. These ranged from practical items like building a resume and tying a tie, to deeper conversations around healthy masculinity, how to be in healthy relationships, and how we want to show up in the world.
Instead of going to YouTube to figure out these life skills, we had male mentors to show us in ways that felt very supported. They normalized our not knowing, and answered our questions in real time.
This workshop not only provided me with useful skills but it made me feel seen. The male staff who taught us facilitated conversations. We got to see we were not alone.
That made all the difference.
Avner Friedman is a former Experience Camps camper. Since the death of his father at age 12, Experience Camps has played a central role in his life. He attended six years at our camp in Pennsylvania, and three years on our Youth Advisory Board while attending high school at Bronx Science. Now a freshman at Binghamton University, he studies economics, and enjoys playing basketball, Magic: the Gathering, and hiking in his free time.
Want to learn more about how boys and young men grieve differently, why it matters, and what we can all do? Follow our Male Grief Campaign on Instagram, Facebook and our blog. We’ll be sharing diverse voices and experiences all month long. If you’re interested in mentoring boys by volunteering at Experience Camps, visit here.
