After someone dies—especially suddenly or in a traumatic way—kids and teens often blame themselves. Even if it makes no logical sense, they might say things like:
“I should’ve stopped them.”
“I should’ve been there.”
“If I had done something different, they’d still be alive.”
This guilt can be heartbreaking to hear and hard to untangle. But it’s common. Why? Because guilt gives the illusion of control. It’s the brain’s way of trying to rewrite something painful and out of their hands into something they could have changed. It doesn’t mean the guilt is fake. It means they’re trying to make sense of the senseless. As a caregiver, here’s how you can help them loosen guilt’s grip:
1. Let them say the guilt out loud.
Don’t rush to correct or shut it down. Let them say the hard thing. Guilt feeds on silence, and just voicing it can bring relief. They might say, “I should have told him not to go on the trip” or “I should have made sure he took his pill,” or “I had a feeling something bad could happen and I never said anything to her.” You can respond with: “That’s a heavy thing to carry. I’m really glad you told me.”
2. Gently reality-check with compassion.
Ask: “If your best friend told you this same story and was holding the blame for their person who died, what would you say to them?” Help them see they deserve the same kindness they’d give someone else.
3. Offer a small ritual for release.
Sometimes words just aren’t enough. Kids and teens often respond well to symbolic actions:
- Have your kid shout out their guilt into the wind.
- Invite your child to write down their guilt on a slip of paper, and then toss it into a fire (obviously with you overseeing the fire for safety) or tear it into shreds.
- Remind them they don’t need to erase the guilt all at once. Even a little loosening helps.
4. Reassure them of this truth:
Guilt doesn’t mean they failed. It often shows up in places where there’s deep love. The fact that they’re feeling this way says more about how much they cared—and nothing about them doing anything wrong. We’re not trying to “fix” their grief. Instead, let’s walk them through it, reminding them again (and again) that they’re not alone, and they are not to blame.
PART 2: What if their action did contribute to the death?
If your child did have a hand in the death–say, daring the person to do something risky or not speaking up about a real concern, or distracting the person right before the accident–here are other parenting strategies.
1. Be honest, but not cruel.
If they did play a role, denying it or pretending it didn’t happen won’t help. But neither will shaming. Acknowledge what they’re feeling and what happened with care. For example, you might say, “You wish you had done something different. That makes total sense.” or “It’s okay to feel regret. That doesn’t mean you meant for this to happen.”
2. Separate intention from outcome.
Help them understand that actions can have consequences, but that doesn’t mean they wanted this result. Kids especially need help understanding that making a mistake—even a big one—doesn’t mean they are a bad person. Try something like: “You didn’t know it would end this way. That doesn’t make it your fault. It means you’re human.”
3. Offer a path for making meaning.
If they feel a need to do something in honor of the person who died, guide them toward actions that help. Maybe they can write a letter they’ll never send or do something kind in the person’s honor. This is not about “making up for it,” but about allowing them to move toward healing and purpose.
4. Get support.
This is not something you, or they, have to navigate alone. A therapist, school counselor, or grief-informed support program can offer tools that are developmentally appropriate. You don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to help them feel safe enough to keep showing up to the hard feelings.
Brie Overton, Ph.D., is the Chief Clinical Officer at Experience Camps. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and specializes in anticipatory loss, grief and bereavement, life transitions, and working with underserved populations. She is a member of the Association for Death Education and Counseling and has worked as a clinician and Clinical Director for Experience Camps since 2016.
