Grief can turn an entire family’s world upside down. One day life feels familiar, and the next you are navigating a profound loss–your own and your child’s. There’s often a whirlwind of emotions and it can be challenging to find ways to cope and know how to support your child through their grief.
After my dad died, several things helped me get through it, including therapy, support from friends and family, acknowledging my feelings, and letting myself be sad. What also helped: emotional eating.
Yes, I said that.
How emotional eating can be positive
Over time–as a professional therapist, grief specialist, and person who has grieved–I’ve come to believe that emotional eating can be an important coping skill.
Now, I know what you are probably thinking: “Isn’t emotional eating a bad thing?”
Not necessarily, and let me explain. Emotional eating often gets labeled as a “bad” coping skill or is immediately assumed to be an eating disorder. Emotional eating certainly can certainly create stress in a family’s life if it feels out of control or includes bingeing, purging, or restrictive eating.
That said, there’s a big difference between an eating disorder and emotional eating. Emotional eating can be normal and healthy. We all eat in response to emotions, and children are no exception. Food is almost always part of both joy and difficult moments.
We eat cake to celebrate birthdays and weddings. We go out to eat or eat special foods to mark graduations, promotions, accomplishments, and various life events. We eat popcorn at the movie theater to have a way to release tension while watching a suspenseful movie. We eat ice cream for comfort after a break-up. We bring casseroles and comfort food to grieving family members and friends after a funeral.
These moments teach children that food can nourish our bodies AND comfort our hearts. When we view emotional eating through this lens, it’s not a failure – it’s a human response to feeling.
One of my dad’s favorite foods was chocolate peanut butter ice cream. When my dad first died, I ate a lot of it. This was, in part, due to the connection it held to him, but it was also a way to soothe and comfort myself. The sweetness and coldness of ice cream was calming, and helped when I was overwhelmed with grief.
This is something caregivers can lean into with their children. Eating a loved one’s favorite food can be a special way to honor, feel connected, remember, and keep stories alive – especially for kids who may struggle to put their grief into words.
It’s easy to label emotional eating as “bad,” but when we pause and look at it with compassion, we can often see its purpose: Sometimes it’s not about the food itself, but about feeling soothed during a hard moment. Reaching for certain foods during moments of grief can bring comfort, predictability, and grounding. If you are grieving the death of someone in your life, consider this your permission slip as a caregiver to allow food to be one of the ways your child copes.
When to be concerned
So, when should you be concerned about your child’s eating? (Or yours?) If your child’s eating starts to feel out of control–including bingeing or purging or restrictive eating. These may be signs of an eating disorder or at the very least an indication that your child needs more support.
If that’s the case and it’s feeling concerning, trust your instincts. If your child is not working with a therapist, you can visit the National Eating Disorder Association or Project Heal for additional resources. You and your child deserve support, compassion, and coping skills to help you survive the roller coaster of grief.
Kait Vanderlaan, LCSW is a Clinical Manager for Experience Camps and has been a Grief Specialist at the PA camp for eight summers. She has over a decade of experience working with children, adolescents, families, and adults. Kait has worked in a variety of settings including outpatient therapy, inpatient hospitals, crisis programs, schools, and camps. She specializes in grief, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. Kait is a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor and a Certified Body Trust Provider.
