I’m no stranger to grief. I have experienced the death of both of my parents, at different times and from very different circumstances. The details aren’t really pertinent to this post. What is important is the fact that I’ve received a lot of “insights” and advice over the years on how to deal with grief. Most of it was unwanted if I’m being honest; some of it felt downright harmful. And in all of the cases, I didn’t know how to respond. But I’ve gotten much better at it, and these are my thoughts.
It’s all relative
If I’ve learned anything from working at Experience Camps for grieving children, it’s that every one of us grieves in our own way. For every “comforting comment” or piece of advice that someone finds healing, another person will find that comment incredibly insensitive and possibly rude.
Case in point: During my first summer volunteering at Experience Camps, I was surprised when a teen camper shared with me that he always feels better when he’s told “God had his reasons for taking your Dad.” When someone told me this same thing after my father died in a car accident, it made me feel…well, rage-y. Really, God had a reason for having my dad die in a car accident? It felt like a throw-away line to make the person who said it feel better. But knowing this was comforting to the teen camper helped me see we all bring our own comfort perspectives.
What responses are fair game?
What are we grievers supposed to do when someone says something that to us feels “off” at best, and like a punch in the gut (at worst)? Do we just stand there while they’re explaining why the death happened (like above) or giving you advice, like, “You need to join a support group” or “You need to start going out again,” or “You’d feel better if you (fill-in-the blank)” or “You’re sad because you’re not (fill in the blank)”?
What many of us want to do is scream. Or run and hide. Let’s try a few other responses: One is to say, “Got it” or “Yep,” and then excuse yourself politely and leave. And try not to stew. I’ve certainly done that a whole lot of times. It’s not ideal but sometimes that’s all we have the energy for and that’s okay.
Another option is to say in a gentle but clear tone, “I appreciate you wanting to support me. Here’s what would work better for me…” and then tell them what it is. Maybe it’s, “I was sorry to hear about your dad” or “Can I share a story about your dad?” or “Your dad was a good friend to me” or “I wish I had good words to say but I just want you to know I’m thinking of you.” It’s a way to advocate for yourself and also educate others to make the world a little better for others.
What do you have capacity for?
It’s not easy but it may feel good to advocate for yourself in that way. Bonus: You’re teaching someone that grief advice and commentary is not one size fits all. Extra bonus: You are helping grievers everywhere because we are all in this together and if we open the mind of one person, that helps all of us. Let me be clear: It’s not your job to take on that emotional labor, to smooth out relationship dynamics, but it is an act of service if it’s not a big cost to you.
I can tell you that as the Director of Communications for Experience Camps, I still stumble on what to say to a griever or how to respond when I get a comment like, “I don’t know how you dealt with that.” (I mean, there’s not much choice, right?). These exchanges were and still are messy.
How we respond depends on how we’re feeling in the moment and what we have capacity for at any given time. So give yourself some grace for just getting through the awkward/stressful moment and perhaps remind yourself that most people are doing the best they can in a culture that rarely talks about grief at all. AND we’re sorry you have to put up with the unhelpful comment when you’re already going through enough.
Michelle Cove is the Director of Communications at Experience Camps for grieving children. She is an award-winning documentary filmmaker, journalist, and national bestselling author whose projects have been featured on numerous national platforms including “The Today Show,” The Washington Post, The Boston Globe, and The New York Times.
