While writing this piece at a coffee shop, one of my brother’s favorite bands came on over the speakers, with the song title “I’ll be there.” As perfect and effortless of a sign as this incident may seem, my relationship with receiving and understanding signs is not something that has come easy. It’s taken patience, work, and even as someone who has studied this phenomenon, and has years of practice interpreting signs, there are times when I still have questions and doubts. But I can say unequivocally, it has been worth it.
I’m not alone, there is beautiful research being done around how healing it can be to maintain a connection to your loved ones after death. But how exactly does one do this? And maybe even more importantly, what to do if you or your child is longing for connection and feels like there isn’t any? As a spiritual researcher and healing practitioner who lost my brother in 2019, I understand the joys, fears, and challenges of working with signs from beyond.
Everyone reading this will have a different relationship to what they believe happens after death, and what a sign from a deceased loved one may or may not mean. My hope is that if you or your child has been looking for connection and feeling lost on that path, these tips will help guide you to your own answers and understanding. Here are some suggestions of steps on the path to build and maintain connection with your loved ones:
- Keep building your relationship after death.
The relationships with the ones we love consistently evolve, even after death. Learning how your loved one communicates is a practice that can take time. Engage in a sort of dialogue of discovery with them. This can be done by meditating on their favorite things, journaling about times you had together, or enjoying their favorite food. Be creative!
Remember, this new way of relating is new for them too! Be patient with this process. Validating their continued existence, and the mystery of that, means we may never know exactly what it’s like after death till we are there. Because of the unknown elements it’s important to remember the frequency or timing of signs, or lack thereof, is not a reflection on you or your relationship with them. Additionally, there may be a message or learning in the silence. Maybe there is something for you to learn, or work through, and they know a sign from them may interfere with that learning.
- Know signs can be subtle
Validate your signs! Often people may be getting many signs but are writing them off as coincidences, or too small to be significant. Your fear of not getting signs may even cause you to miss the ones that are coming though. If something happens and it means something to you, if it arrests you, if it pulls you out of your normal train of thought and causes you to pause and think about them, that’s it! That’s your sign. It can be simple. It can be small. It can feel like a whisper. That doesn’t mean it’s any less powerful or meaningful! It doesn’t mean they care less, or you’re any less important. All it means was that the sign you received was enough. As in any relationship, it’s up to us to bring meaning to what the other person offers. If it’s significant enough for you to question, then it’s significant.
While signs can be literally anything, feathers are one of the more common ones people report.
- Don’t compare
Try to shed expectations of what you think it “should” look like. A sign for someone else doesn’t need to be a sign for you! It’s easy to get jealous when someone has a big story like thinking about a loved one and stumbling upon a long lost letter from them that seemed to appear out of nowhere (grandma), but remember, your relationship is your own. Some people may have vivid dreams, see their loved one’s face on someone walking by, others may find a penny on the ground without knowing how it got there, or smell a whiff of a familiar perfume unexpectedly. Just like your loved one was unique, and your relationship with them is unique, how they communicate is going to be specific to you. There is no hierarchy of importance with signs.
- Practice discernment
Possibly more difficult than not getting any signs is when you feel flooded by them. Over reliance and over dependance on signs is a common pitfall once the gates of communication open. If you are trying to use signs to make decisions and feel overwhelmed, or just simply have so many messages popping out at you they all are losing meaning; take a beat. Check back in with your body, what is feeling true? This can involve remembering how it felt in your body when something did feel like a very clear and specific sign. You can ask your loved one to slow down, or clarify their message. You can develop a specific sign with a meaning and see if that starts resonating with you.
Be careful of the importance, significance, and meaning you are assigning to these signs. Moments can feel so miraculous that it can make you want to change your whole life, but sometimes a sign is just a hello. It can just be an acknowledgement that they are there, and you’re not alone. That is beautiful. That can be enough. Only you have the power to honor any meaning you discover beyond that. Be careful when putting so much importance on signs that you start to project your wants and fears onto what you are seeing.
- Have fun…yes, fun!
It may sound silly, but relationships with anyone, even the dead, can be stressful. If we have unresolved issues with our dead loved one we may start projecting that onto the signs that we receive. It’s important to be honest with all of your feelings that come up for you. Have proper emotional support in place and people to talk to. Remember to give yourself grace.
And if this process stops bringing you joy, change it! The key to all of this is to remember your “why.” Why do you want signs? What does it mean to you? Ideally, signs from a loved one should be pops of joy that help you feel connected to them. If you are getting to a place where trying to find signs is bringing you suffering, the channels of connections will often inherently be blocked by being so deeply entwined with your brain story. This is an art, not a science. I approach all my work as play. There is no failure in play. The outcomes are not going to be uniform. You may not ever get what you “want” in this. That is why it’s important to remind yourself what your motivation is and re-center on that. You are your own expert. Trust your inner knowing above all else. You have the power to reset and reevaluate this process at any time.
Next Steps:
In this process of discovery you may unlock different aspects of your relationship that develop into the very signs you were looking for from the start, or totally new and unexpected ones for you to delight in! If you are having a hard time breaking through the silence, here are some more techniques to play with:
- Write down a question for your loved one before you fall asleep and ask to remember any message they send you in your dream and see what comes! (this is adapted from the work of Dr. Julia Mossbridge)
- Find a trusted medium (the Windbridge list is a great place to start) and see if they are able to offer you solace. Remember mediums are people too, with their own filters and flaws, so use your discernment with what you take away from the readings.
- Practice with a sign that you designate that you don’t expect to see a lot of in your day to day life (like frogs or purple cars). See if you start to notice these around or at unexpected times (like on a t-shirt). (adapted from Laura Lynne Jackson)
- Explore other ways you can feel connected to them and celebrate the memories you do have in this moment
Chelsea Irys Rendlen is a spiritual activist, author, and summer camp professional. She holds a M.A. in Spirituality Mind Body, Psychology in Education, from Columbia University. She is the Executive Director of the YWCA Vermont Camp Hochelaga, where she creates socially and spiritually conscious spaces. Her work in camping and spirituality has been featured at conferences around the world including Harvard Divinity School’s Conference for the Evolution of Spirituality, and she is the Secular Spirituality Subject Matter Expert for the American Camp Association and Alliance for Camp Health’s CampWell Training. When not working at nonprofits, she operates her healing practice, Irys Healing Arts, helping clients access their own innate healing abilities to reach their unique well-being goals. @ChelseaIrys
