Oh no, it happened again. The DJ played that song; you saw someone who reminded you of your person; someone asked how many siblings you have. And, suddenly, you’re crying again.
Why does this keep happening? Why can’t I keep it together?!
The truth is, you’re crying because it’s normal. Because someone you love died and they aren’t here to dance to that song anymore. And you’re heartbroken and angry and have all the feelings. Crying is totally. Normal.
Research shows that crying is an effective and adaptive response that helps process and cope with difficult emotions. We cry when we’re sad, grieving, anxious, angry, and happy, and it can be a way to communicate to others that we’re having a tough time and need support.
There’s also evidence that crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system, or our “rest and digest” system (opposite of our fight/flight system), which reduces emotional distress.
In short, crying can be healing.
It can happen at the least opportune times, though. Like when you’re out with friends, prepping for the big presentation, or driving commuting home from work. Sometimes it brings us more attention than we would like (e.g., the dreaded “what’s wrong?” question).
Here are 3 strategies that can help regulate emotions if you’re feeling overwhelmed:
1) Validate yourself. Validation is acknowledgement and acceptance of an emotional experience and sends the message that feelings are okay.
2) Explore the why. Approach your emotions with curiosity: What is this emotion trying to tell me? Why am I feeling this way? Feelings have a function and figuring out what the emotion means helps us cope or problem-solve more effectively. Perhaps there was a reminder of your person, a difficult memory, or a worried thought about the future.
3) Ride the wave. Emotions are like a wave: they roll in, sometimes strongly, stay for a bit, and then eventually roll back out to the proverbial sea. Practicing “riding the wave” allows emotions to take their natural course without judging, avoiding, or pushing feelings away. Allow yourself a moment to feel your feelings and sit with them. Eventually they will fade into the background and return to baseline.
While crying and experiencing a range of emotions is a normal part of grief, it could be helpful to consult with a provider, such as a therapist or psychiatrist, if emotions often interfere with your day. A therapist can help clarify what the emotions mean and how to cope with them in a way that allows you to re-engage in your life and activities.
In the meantime, the next time you find yourself in your feelings, remember that emotions are a normal and meaningful part of grief. Validate, explore the why, and connect to what helps you ride the wave of emotions.
Dr. Stephanie Rohrig is a clinical psychologist in New York City and Clinical Director of the Experience Camps Pennsylvania Girls camp. As a member of the Experience Camps community since 2019, Stephanie has supported many campers and staff in coping with grief.
