You want to invite that grieving friend or relative to your holiday gathering, but, ugh, what if you or another guest says something stupid that makes them sad? What if they start crying, and everyone gets uncomfortable? What if they need you to take care of them, but you have all the other guests to attend to?
You’re not alone in these worries. In a recent *Omnibus survey we conducted, of the 1,000 Americans surveyed, nearly 74% stated, “The idea of inviting someone who’s grieving the death of a family member to a holiday get-together feels stressful.”
So, how can we best deal with that stress? We can be somewhat prepared.
Five ways to support a grieving guest at your holiday gathering:
- Acknowledge the person’s grief when extending the invitation. You can say something like: “I know this season, and your grief might be especially hard, but please know I’d love you to come to my gathering. You’re welcome here with your grief and any feelings you have. Just come as you are.”
- Accept a “maybe” or “no” RSVP. Even if your heart is in the right place and you want them to come, grieving individuals may not know what they want or need during the holidays. If they tell you they don’t know yet whether they can attend, assure them they don’t have to commit right now, and they’re free to change their mind. You might even say, “No pressure at all. How about I check in the day before to see how you’re feeling?”
- Don’t require a “happy face.” If they say yes and come to your gathering, try to let go of any and all expectations of the grieving person showing up in a certain way. Lose the intention of making them feel happier and/or expecting them to put on a smile. While your heart may be in the right place, this only makes you feel better, not them.
- Focus on allowing rather than participation. It’s understandable if you, like so many, want to distract the person grieving with dreidel spinning, a Santa Swap, or cookie decorating, but what’s better than offering distraction is letting them feel how they feel. If they laugh during “Pin the Nose on Rudolph,” great. If they cry, offer a hug or space to be alone for a bit. You don’t need to fix anything. You can’t.
- Give yourself credit. Listen, you may, in fact, say something not great for your grieving guest to hear (like, “I’m so glad we’re all healthy and able to gather together!” during the pre-dinner toast). And then, with horror, you might realize that’s not true for your grieving guest, and it makes you want to hide in shame under the table forever. Go easy on yourself. It takes courage to make room for grief at a gathering. If you feel it’s called for, you can gently apologize later – but just know it counts for a lot that you wanted them to be there and made space for their feelings during a difficult time.
*TEAM LEWIS, a leading global marketing agency, surveyed 1,000 individuals in the US. All respondents were 18 or older, and the sample was census-balanced by age and gender. TEAM LEWIS collected data through an online survey fielded from November 19 to 22, 2024. The survey respondents were independently sourced from Veridata Insights.
Michelle Cove is the Director of Communications at Experience Camps for grieving children. She is an award-winning documentary filmmaker, journalist, and national bestselling author whose projects have been featured on numerous national platforms including “The Today Show,” The Washington Post, The Boston Globe, and The New York Times.
