For many, the holidays are a time of cozy traditions, family gatherings, and festive playlists—even if everyone is arguing about which to play. But for those who are grieving, this season can bring a complicated mix of emotions: love and loss, warmth and loneliness, gratitude and ache, joy and rage. Frankly, this is probably true for those who aren’t grieving so multiply these feelings by 1,000 if someone is.
If a family member, friend, or other connection has experienced the death of a loved one, it can be hard to know what to do. Do you bring them into the celebration? Do you give them space? Do you mention the person who died, or avoid the topic altogether?
At Experience Camps, we hear from grieving kids and teens every day who remind us how powerful it is when adults simply show up with compassion and understanding. There are no perfect answers (just like there’s no one-size-ugly-holiday-sweater that fits all), but there are powerful gestures that communicate, “I see you. I care. And you get to show up however you need to.”
Here are three gifts that cost nothing but mean everything to someone who’s grieving this holiday season.
1. Give them a “Get Out of the Festivities Free Card.”
One of the kindest things you can do for a grieving person is to take the pressure off. The truth is, grief doesn’t run on a schedule. It can feel manageable one hour and overwhelming the next. One minute you’re putting on your sparkly earrings, the next you want to weep under the Christmas tree.
When you invite someone who’s grieving to a gathering, tell them they don’t have to commit in advance. Try saying:
“You don’t need to decide right now—just see how you’re feeling that day.”
“If you want to swing by for a potato latke or just for a hug, the door’s open.”
That kind of flexibility can feel like a lifeline. It gives the griever permission to follow their emotional temperature, and removes the guilt of canceling at the last minute.
Note: What may look like indecision from the outside is actually deep self-awareness. They’re tuning in to what they can handle, and that’s a healthy thing. So when you offer an open invitation—with no expectations, no guilt, and no explanations required—you’re giving them the gift of freedom.
2. Invite them (privately) to share a memory.
Many people assume the best way to support a grieving person is to avoid mentioning the person who died. You hear instructions like, “Don’t bring up Uncle Bobby. It’ll make Aunt Sue sad.” But that often makes the loss for Sue feel even heavier, like her husband never existed or Bobby’s name is too fragile to say aloud.
One of the most healing things you can do is gently create space for their person to be remembered. You might reach out before a gathering and say something like:
“I’d love to honor [their person’s name] at dinner in some way. Would you want to share a favorite story or maybe include their favorite dish?”
This gives the grieving person agency. They can decide what feels right. Some may want to light a candle, share a memory, or toast to their loved one. Others may prefer not to say anything, and that’s okay too.
What matters is that you made room. You reminded them that their person belongs at the table in spirit, and that grief and love both have a place in the celebration. You’re also modeling for everyone at your gathering what it looks like to host with compassion.
3. Don’t try to fix anything. Just be with them.
When someone we care about is hurting, our instinct is to help them feel better. But grief isn’t something you can fix, and attempts to smooth over pain often leave the person feeling unseen.
Phrases like, “At least you still have your daughter,” or “You should count your blessings,” may come from a good place, but they can sound dismissive at best—and offensive at worst (like worse than a regifted fruitcake). They send the message that the grieving person should be grateful instead of sad, when the truth is they can be both.
The best gift you can give is your calm, compassionate presence. Instead of trying to cheer them up, try saying:
“No matter how you’re feeling, I’m really glad you’re here.”
“Do you want to talk about them, or do you want a distraction right now?”
That last question is especially powerful because it gives the griever control. Some days they’ll want to tell stories and cry. Other days they’ll want to watch a movie and not talk about grief. Still other days, they’ll want to stay home and binge Netflix comedies. All choices are valid.
The bottom line: You don’t need perfect words or a special plan. You just need to show up with gentleness, patience, and flexibility. When you meet someone where they are—instead of trying to move them somewhere else—it’s one of the most generous presents you can offer.
Michelle Cove is the Communications Manager for Experience Camps, a national award-winning nonprofit that transforms the lives of grieving children. She is a national bestselling author, award-winning documentary filmmaker, and journalist, whose projects have been featured on numerous national platforms including “The Today Show,” The Washington Post, and ABC’s “The View” and The New York Times. Visit www.michellecove.com to learn more.
