Humor helps us remember the life of those who died beyond just how it ended.
Here’s a joke: “A man is laying on his death bed, when he smells his favorite cookies baking. He is so stirred by the smell, that he musters the strength to arise from bed, go downstairs, and revives himself just enough to reach out for one of these amazing treats. Suddenly his wife slaps his hand away and says, ‘Stop! I’m baking those for your funeral!’”
This levity about death is by no means meant to be at the expense of those who grieve, but rather a balm to get through the pain. Grief can feel like drowning, and laughter doesn’t reverse it, but it can be a buoy to hold on to.
Whether it’s using comedy to cope with grief, or sharing funny stories about the deceased, humor is an overlooked but powerful force against the ache of grief.
Why humor is avoided
As a grief therapist, I work with clients trying to process the loss and pain of their loved one’s death. Over time, the sessions typically become much more about remembering their person’s life. That means revisiting the good, the bad, and the hilarious.
Grievers often struggle to share these funny anecdotes, which become beloved memories. They feel it could sadden other people to bring up the deceased so they keep these moments private. They also often worry they need to remain melancholy to show they cared.
Yet, in the retelling of humorous anecdotes about those they grieve, I see so much care and love. In these stories is where people are more fully 3D.
A case for sharing humor
Grief can be so lonely when someone feels they can no longer talk about their person who died. We don’t forget the person when they die, so why would we stop talking about them?
In her podcast, “Good Hang,” Amy Poehler noted in an episode with Ryan Coogler that for her, “Comedy is where we stay connected with the people who have passed.” In recalling how someone had made us laugh, we are evoking their essence, and for a moment we might feel their presence.
The end of a loved one’s life stings because it stops a story full of life. While we no longer get new chapters, we can revisit the chapters previously written to share all the fullness of who they were. Getting to share our funny memories again and again matters.
Telling funny stories about the person who died is also a chance to remember someone as they really were in their lifetime. We can even think of telling silly anecdotes as a gift to the person who died—not reducing their life to how it ended.
A few last thoughts
While humor is important, heads up if you’re supporting someone grieving: it’s best to follow the lead of the person grieving rather than initiating jokes about the person who died. If you want to show you are a safe person for them to be uncensored and tell you their stories, ask them what they want to share with you.
For those who are grieving, if you’re not yet ready to laugh, no pressure. Go at your own pace.
I know for me, when I am remembered, I hope it brings giant belly laughs and a reflection on the spectacular life I lived, and not just how it ended.
Kat O’Malley (She/her) is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Pasadena, California. She specializes in being LGBT+ affirmative, working with neurodivergent populations (autistic people or those with ADHD), and grief counseling. Kat is the Clinical Director for Boys at Experience Camps in California. She loves swimming, trying on new hobbies, hosting book club, and spending cherished time with her guinea pigs.
