This Mother’s Day may include bouquets of flowers, some good-attempt breakfast in bed, and/or messy homemade cards with stick figures. For millions of people, it also may include complicated, even painful, feelings due to grieving the death of a family member who won’t be there. And for one particular group, Black women, the rates of that pain are higher: The reality is that Black women in our country experience the death of a spouse or child at far higher rates than white women: young people of color are more likely to have a sibling or parent die, and Black children are twice as likely to have experienced the death of a father.
As for Black women who are grieving on Mother’s Day, we certainly don’t talk about fresh waves of loss that can show up on this big, emotionally-loaded day. How can women make space for the heartbreak of missing their family member? Are they supposed to stifle it so their remaining family members won’t feel sad? Is it better to talk openly that day about the family member who died, and intentionally incorporate new rituals in the day? Is skipping the day an option?
Making space for grief
We, as Black women, have been conditioned to believe that we have to be strong, all the time. When we need a break, not only do we internalize feelings of inadequacy and guilt, but society reinforces those messages. It’s a vicious cycle. There is no doubt that we are strong in all aspects of the meaning but strong also means advocating for yourself, your mental health and well-being. It means allowing yourself to be vulnerable without feeling guilty.
Having worked with hundreds of grieving families as the Chief Clinical Officer at Experience Camps for grieving children, I know that if we don’t make space for all of the feelings–even the sadness and anger that show up on days that are supposed to be “happy,” we do a huge disservice to ourselves. Not only do we become separated from our true selves when we stuff down our sorrow and hurt, but we teach our kids by example that they should too. And that model of suppressing “bad feelings” can lead to depression, anxiety and other mental and physical health issues.
We need to name the feelings around grief and acknowledge their existence for ourselves and other family members. Two social-media powerhouses who have been doing this regularly for their followers are Mia Jaye and Dr. Verlonda Jackson.
Meet fashion entrepreneur and CEO Mia Jaye
Mia Jaye, a fashion entrepreneur and CEO, whose famous fiance rapper Young Dolph was killed in 2021, not only deals with these questions and challenges in her home with her two kids, but she talks openly about her personal grief on her social-media platform. She also started the Black Men Deserve to Grow Old, a streetwear brand she started after the death of her brother and address her grief head-on in that account as well. “There is healing power,” Mia says, “that I receive when expressing on my social platforms my emotions, thoughts, and experience related to grief.”
CEO Mia Jaye wants Black women to better care for ourselves by tackling grief head-on.
Her goal for Black women experiencing grief is to better honor, love and care for ourselves by tackling our problems and grief head-on rather than silencing it. “I have long felt that our pain, burdens, and life’s adversities are often unseen and uncared for,” Mia says, “and this has been the case for a few decades, if not, centuries. I have personally witnessed so many women experience grief in silence and move on with their life as nothing ever happened. I recognized early in my life that I did not want to harvest pain in that way and burden myself with the weight of life. I did not want the woes of my life to be seen as insignificant, invaluable or not worth finding a solution to help me navigate any form of pain, grief or problem I face.”
For Mia, this Mother’s Day will include going to dinner and watching a movie with her kids. She says, “this holiday is a lot different for me now because a lot more responsibility falls on me with Dolph not here, and time alone for myself is not always an available option to me. Although this is the case, I do not let my reality destroy the way I feel about the holiday as a whole. I think it’s still an amazing holiday, where Moms can be celebrated while also celebrating being gifted the chance to experience motherhood.”
Meet Dr. Verlonda Jackson, an author and professor of psychology
Verlonda is another mom who uses her large social media platform to talk openly about her personal grief. Her son Judah died in 2021 at age five from a drowning accident, she is open about the tremendous guilt she felt when he died and how hard she has worked hard to find grace for herself and be present for her other children, while navigating how lonely grief can feel. “Talking about my grief connects me to others, and allows those who have been through it to feel seen, heard, and understood.”
Verlonda says talking publicly about her grief allows others who have been through it to feel seen.”
She adds, “we need to be talking about our grief because research shows the average lifespan for African Americans is 78 years – six years shorter than it is for Caucasian Americans. African-Americans are twice as likely to die of heart disease, 50% more likely to have high blood pressure and are likelier to die at earlier ages of all causes than Caucasian Americans. The emotional toll these statistics have on African Americans who may be losing loved ones more frequently and at younger ages, is alarming. And Black women often feel the strain of being the emotional pillars for our families and communities, forcing us to shoulder the weight of the community’s grief while trying to navigate our own. Recognizing and acknowledging these experiences is crucial in finding healing and resilience.”
As for Mother’s Day, Verlonda acknowledges it’s a complicated day: “I miss my sweet boy everyday, but the intensity feels worse on holidays like this, dealing with my expectations of the day or what others expect of me. I’ll be thinking about Judah, but don’t plan to talk too much about him because I don’t want to put a damper on the day. For a bereaved mother, this is probably one of the hardest days. But with two small children still alive that love their mother and want to celebrate me, I try to make sure I co-exist between the worlds of joy and grief.”
So how can grieving moms navigate Mother’s Day?
There is no right way for grieving mothers to navigate this day or any other milestone or holiday. Media would lead us to believe that Mother’s Day is about cherishing our families and maybe even getting a little spoiled. The reality is that while those things may sound nice, you may not feel like doing any of them and that’s okay. Acknowledging and embracing our feelings starts here: Lean into what you’re truly experiencing. Below are three tips.
1. Know you are not alone. Grief hits us in waves, does not follow a schedule, and visits us when we least expect it. So be kind to yourself and allow yourself some grace. That means allowing for thoughts and feelings that surface without judgement or feeling like you have to fix them. That can wait. Today, it’s about kindness to yourself. Plan to do something you enjoy, whether that is an activity that allows you to honor your person (maybe engaging in their favorite hobby) or is one just for you.
2. Be intentional about social media. You may want to stay off the platform, knowing it will be filled with sentimental messages from grateful and happy mothers. Or, you may want to post about how you’re genuinely feeling as a way to support other women who feel something similar. As Mia shared, “By sharing my experience, I have become connected with so many others, who share their story with me, which can be very inspiring.”
3. Find alone time if you’re craving it. I’ve worked with a lot of other Black moms who feel the daily unending pressure(s) of mothering. I get it and feel it, too. It can be overwhelming. If it’s an option, sleep in or relax alone. You can model for your kids what it looks like to say what you need (“I’m excited to celebrate with you in the afternoon! This morning I’m going to spend an hour or two by myself quietly.”)
Don’t have the luxury of alone time? Find smaller pockets of time to enjoy yourself: embrace the quiet outside for a few minutes; take mindful breaths as you walk with your kid to the bus stop; spend five extra minutes in a hot shower listening to your favorite music. These intentional minutes during transition times can make all the difference and end up being the Mother’s Day gift you needed.
Brie Overton, FT, LPC, NCC, is the Chief Clinical Officer at Experience Camps for grieving children. She is also a doctoral candidate at the University of Missouri – St. Louis in the Department of Counseling and Family Therapy, where she educates and supervises master and doctoral level students on grief-specific issues in counseling. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and specializes in anticipatory loss, grief and bereavement, life transitions, and working with underserved populations. She is a member of the Association for Death Education and Counseling and has worked as a clinician and Clinical Director for Experience Camps since 2016.
