A friend wants to set you up with someone they think you might like. You want to say “yes” to the idea, but your heart is doing some flips out of a mix of excitement, guilt, and fear. You think you’re ready to start dating again, but, weighing on your mind is one particularly big question: how do you even begin that conversation with your kids?
Listen: I’ve been one of those kids. I was 13 when my mother died after eight years of treatments and the impacts of glioblastoma. When my father started dating again, it became a part of our family dynamic, a topic of conversation pretty out in the open. Together with my older brother, we were two teenagers and a widower all living together under one roof, each of us having very different dating experiences in our respective stages of life.
Here I am at my bat mitzvah with my dad, circa 2002, around the time he was dating.
As you start down this dating path, I’m sharing my take on common advice you might be getting, ranging from your grief support group for single parents (I wish I could travel back in time and offer one to my dad!), to self-help books, to social media. My perspectives are informed as the founder of a grief support organization, a former educator and policy maker in early childhood through high school grades, and, most importantly, as a former 13 year-old girl on the receiving end of whatever dating advice my Dad was getting in 2002. (Of note: my father died suddenly in 2020, otherwise I would have asked for his input here, too.)
What people might tell you: “Talk to your kids about why you want to date.”
My take? Yes, but in an empowering way.
I remember the conversation my father and I had in our kitchen when he told me he was dating again. He said it was because he was lonely. The advice I see directed to widowed parents is often framing the dialogue this way, explaining loneliness to children, and wanting to have a partner by their side again.
Here’s the problem: that framing gave me the impression that having a partner was the most important thing. I got the message, loud and clear, that not dating someone would leave me sad and alone. In retrospect, that led me to believe that I was incomplete without a partner, from my teenage years well into adulthood. What was modeled for me was putting romantic relationships on a pedestal high above self-love.
I think we can frame dating in a more empowering way–that it’s not about you as a widowed parent being incomplete without a partner; it’s about you owning your own happiness, again, you taking charge of your social life, and all of us deserving partnership and community. It’s not a need to date, but a want to date, and I think that nuance can deeply impact your children’s perception of romantic relationships.
<<And when is the right time to talk to your child about the fact that you’re dating? Stay tuned for part two tomorrow.>>
Rebecca Feinglos, MPP, is the founder of Grieve Leave.
