My mom died when I was 12 years old, and as you would imagine, I received an astonishing amount of advice I never asked for. One person told me to stop crying because “God picked the most beautiful flowers for His garden.” Others encouraged me to smile so I wouldn’t “upset” my dad. Meanwhile I was thinking: What about me? If someone cried, I wondered why they weren’t trying to comfort me. If someone didn’t cry, I wondered if they didn’t love my mom.
The truth is, grief brings out a lot of opinions—and most of them come from people who want to help but don’t know how. There is no “right” way to grieve, and being on the receiving end of advice you didn’t ask for can feel intrusive, invalidating, and exhausting. Setting boundaries around unsolicited grief advice can protect your emotional energy.
Here are a few ways to do that, depending on the situation:
- Be honest, kind, and direct.
You can acknowledge someone’s intention without accepting their guidance. For example: “Thank you for your concern. I’m navigating my grief in my own way right now.” Then gently shift the conversation elsewhere. Practicing a couple of simple lines ahead of time can make these moments easier.
- Use humor to defuse the moment.
For some people, humor is a safe way to redirect without confrontation. Be mindful of when to use humor though, as some people may not “get it” and be hurt by the joke. Try saying something like: “If I had a dollar for every piece of grief advice, I could fund my own research project.” Humor acknowledges the awkwardness and moves things along.
- Lead with empathy.
Many people offer advice because they’re uncomfortable with grief and want to “fix” it. You can set a boundary while recognizing their intention: “I know you’re trying to help. Right now I just need space to grieve in my own way.”
- Ask for what you actually need.
If the advice is coming from someone close to you, redirect it: “I’m okay on advice. What I’d really appreciate is hearing a story about Amy—I miss talking about her.” Or “Instead of suggestions, it helps me more when someone just sits with me.”
- Lean on your support system.
If certain people continue offering advice after you’ve asked them not to, it’s okay to enlist help. A partner, friend, or family member can step in to reinforce your boundaries when you’re tired or overwhelmed. If you’re going to a party or a social event, plan ahead and let your support person know that you’ll call on them if or when you need, saying something like “I’ll need you to take over my role in the conversation. Either divert it to another subject, or if that doesn’t work, I’ll go to the bathroom and just tell them directly that I don’t want to talk about my grief at a party”, or whatever feels like an appropriate ask to your person. It may help to have a signal or code word between the two when you feel overwhelmed, so you can be discreet about it if you want.
The Bottom Line: Unsolicited grief advice comes from all directions, often with good intentions. But you’re allowed to protect your emotional space. Grief is deeply personal, and the way you navigate it doesn’t need explaining, just respecting.
Dr. Annie Gharakhani is a licensed psychologist working in the state of California. She works as a clinical supervisor at a community mental health agency and owns her own private practice where she employs psychologists who work with people of all ages, demographics, and needs. She has also proudly been a volunteer at Experience Camps Maryland since 2023, having been the Senior Grief Specialist the past two years, and will be the Girls’ Clinical Director in 2026. This year, she also volunteered as a Grief Specialist at Experience Camps Family Camp in Philadelphia.
