When people are kind enough to ask how I’m feeling as Mother’s Day approaches, it’s hard to know what to say. I often end up responding, “Okay, thank you.” But the truth is I’m typically feeling a whole slew of changing emotions.
Here are some of the feels I have:
Grateful. I realize how fortunate I am to have grown up with a mom who instilled me with a sense of self-worth, even in middle school, when I got a hair perm (such a bad choice) and had to wear braces and elastics.
Hope. I hope to honor her memory and sometimes feel pressure to do it the right way. Should I plant a tree? Take part in her favorite activity? Something else I can’t think of? I usually end up just looking at pictures and having private conversations with her.
Sorrow. I wish I could spend time with her in-person this Mother’s Day, or at the very least call her and hear her voice and tell her how much I love her.
Disappointment. I wish my mom could have spent more time with my daughter, now 19. My mom would have loved seeing her grow into this thoughtful human being who is developing her own beliefs.
Joy. Said daughter (above) will be home from college on Mother’s Day, and I’m thrilled we’ll get to hang out together.
Envy. I’m not proud of it but I do feel envy for my friends who have healthy, alive moms who they can spend time with regularly.
Relief. My mom was struggling at the end of her life–mentally and physically. There was relief when she died and there was an end to the heartbreaking deterioration and suffering. I was also relieved that our family would not have to make extremely complicated decisions that were coming about her healthcare.
What to do with all the feelings?
So do I share my feelings, or just go ahead and say, “Doing okay” because it’s simpler? Like most things, it’s not either/or. It’s conditional. Some people don’t need to know all the details, and it would feel inappropriate to tell them. But others who I’m close to deserve to know and frankly, I deserve to have them help me hold some of the feelings.
Plus, there’s a cost to not acknowledging our feelings. You start to bury them deeper and deeper. And in suppressing our feelings, for the sake of keeping things simple, this behavior can quickly become the “norm.” Worse, according to Experience Camps Chief Clinical Officer, Brie Overton, that suppression starts to separate you from your truest self and feelings, which can lead to mental-health problems like depression and anxiety, on top of the grief you’re experiencing.
So this Mother’s Day, I won’t be telling everyone about the complexity of my feelings. But I’ll certainly be telling a few people, and spilling all of the other details to my journal.
Michelle Cove is the Director of Communications at Experience Camps. She is an award-winning documentary filmmaker, journalist, and national bestselling author whose projects have been featured on numerous national platforms including “The Today Show,” The Washington Post, The Boston Globe, and The New York Times.
