As a therapist who was trained in Nature-Based Counseling, I have a deep understanding of the ways that our personal lives so often interact and coexist with the world around us. It wasn’t until the death of my dad, Todd, three weeks before the start of my final year of graduate school that I started relying on nature for my healing through grief and to feel connected to my dad.
Why nature and grief make sense together
At first thought, some may wonder how grief and the natural world fit together so well. I’m sure if you have watched any nature documentary narrated by David Attenborough, you might have noticed the loss and pain that is so often found in the animal world. We also know that many species of animals hold their own funerals and mourning rituals, such as crows and elephants. This can serve to remind us that grief unites us all.
Nature has space for whatever it is that we are feeling. A frozen lake in winter will never tell us our feelings are “too much”; a new bud in the spring won’t tell us to move through our grief quicker. I have screamed and wailed in forests and was held and supported by the trees and moss. Nature understands grief and it has the capacity to hold ours, too.
My story with grief
My dad, who we called Papa, died July 9th, 2022. It was three weeks from the start of my clinical internship and six weeks before my 25th birthday. At this point, Papa and I had a challenging relationship. His health had been declining for years due to alcoholism and we often disagreed on politics. I loved him and I also held so much pain from years of a strained relationship.
When he died suddenly, I felt that so much was left unsaid and unhealed. I felt angry that there would be some things we never worked through together and I was left searching for how in the world I was going to touch into my grief. One thing Papa and I had always shared, something that was instilled in me at a young age, was a deep love for nature. This quickly became the way I felt closest to Papa, and I knew it would be crucial in my healing.
Elena, as a baby, with her father who instilled early a love of being in nature
It turns out, nature tends to feel like a very innate connection between grievers and their people who have died. Death is a great equalizer in the natural world – if we experience a full life, we will encounter death. Tuning into nature can offer us regulation in times of emotional upheaval, reminders of the resilient life cycles all around us, and ways to connect with our loved ones, even after they have left our physical spaces. Allowing ourselves to grieve in and alongside nature can do wonders for our healing and can also be a loving way to give back to the earth.
Four ways to honor your person’s death with nature and in environmentally-friendly ways:
1. Spend time in their favorite nature spot or somewhere you think of them.
Something Papa passed down to me was his Raynaud’s; a condition that causes poor blood circulation to your fingers and toes, leading to a cold sensation often. When I want to feel close to him, I will take a walk on a chilly day and feel my fingers turn cooler. This sensation, one that I know he felt so often, reminds me of him–a tangible reminder that he was here.
When missing or wanting to honor your person, you can visit a spot they loved or somewhere that brings up their memory. Was there a bench they loved to sit on in a local park? Perhaps seeing the first snowfall brings your person to mind. Sit or walk mindfully in this spot. You can revisit memories with your person or simply soak in the knowledge that they loved it here. You can even bring a photo of your person with you or make a small offering (pour out some of your water, pick out a stone nearby, etc.) to the place in their honor.
2. Use nature’s seasonal shifts to celebrate and honor your person and your grief
I always remember my family being happiest in the fall. Papa would fill his t-shirt up with fallen leaves and pretend to be a scarecrow while my sister and I would jump in leaf pile after leaf pile. We would visit our favorite pumpkin farm as a family and eat cider donuts and drink apple cider. I feel Papa’s presence with me most in the fall and take advantage of that connection.
As we watch our surroundings shift throughout the year, how can we tap into our inner seasons? Notice how your own grief shifts throughout the year. How can we allow our grief to change with the passage of time? Make space for your grief during your person’s favorite holiday or season. Set a place for them at the table. Continue the traditions they looked forward to every year. This can feel profoundly hard without your person present. Acknowledge how much you miss them and celebrate anyway. Not all grief needs to feel fully sad.
We continue to go to Papa’s favorite pumpkin patch in the fall. Winter connects me to him through my cold fingers and toes. Spring reminds me that the sun will continue to rise after my hardest, darkest days. Summer is his love of lakes, warmth, and Upstate NY rainstorms. How does your grief want to be expressed throughout the year?
3. Find ways your grief is reflected in nature.
Many kinds of pinecones need a forest fire to sweep through before they can release their seeds. Leaves fall in autumn, leaving barren trees through the winter, only for green to sprout forth again in the spring. My grief feels amplified and seen when I stand near frozen water, fingers tingling, and I miss my dad.
Grief is all around us. Nature reminds us that there is a cycle to all things, and this cycle brings both insurmountable beauty and intolerable pain. When missing your person, take a walk around your neighborhood or a nearby trail. See if you can find something around you that seems to reflect your grief back to you. Do you feel validated by the weeds growing through the sidewalk cracks? Does the torrential downpour remind you of the tears you have shed? Find something, anything, that seems to whisper to you “you are not alone.”
4. Plant a tree or garden that helps the ecosystem. You can visit it often or even name if after your person
There is deep symbolism in planting a seed. Rebirth, new beginnings, growth. The earth also reminds us of our life cycles and that we will all return to the earth someday. Honor your person by giving back to the earth in their honor. This can be done on an anniversary, a birthday, or anytime you want to feel close to them. You can plant their favorite tree or a native plant that will become part of the local ecosystem. If money allows, you can add a bench or a sign that memorializes your person. I plan to create “Papa’s Patch” come this spring, a new place that will bring special meaning and connection. You can visit this spot and tend to it whenever you feel called to connect with your person.
We will all approach our grief in special and unique ways. What connects us all is our innate ability to love and grieve. This also connects us to the natural and animal worlds around us. May this be your reminder that you can turn to these resources at any time; they are waiting to hold you in your grief.
Elena Kopel, MA, LPCC (She/Her/Hers) is a mental health clinician living in Denver, CO. She works with children, adolescents, and adults who are living with anxiety and OCD, trauma, and/or grief and loss. Her greatest passion is supporting LGBTQIA+ adolescents and has worked at a radically inclusive summer camp for the last 10 years. A self proclaimed summer camp nerd, Elena is also a grief specialist at Experience Camps in Maine. Elena loves yoga, reading, spending time with her husband and pets, and dead dad jokes. 