Whether you believe in an afterlife or not, the love we feel and connections we’ve shared are not lost, they exist in our neural pathways, they are etched into the fabric of our hearts, into who we are. And when someone dies, in our grief, we are all looking for comfort.
We are seeking solace, a way to make sense of the world now with a gaping hole.
Finding ways to stay connected with our “no-shows”.
My work as a grief and loss coach has taught me that this is what most of my clients are looking for–how to live with the loss, and take forward the love and strength they garnered from their relationship with their loved one.
Rachel Fowler (the author) encourages us to take comfort in signs we’re sent.
Opening ourselves to signs from our person
So what signs are our loved ones sending us, and how can we open our awareness to their love?
I find great comfort in looking for signs of my father, Michael, and signs of my nephew, Ryan. It’s a moment to remember them, to think of them, bring back the love in my heart, the good memories and laugh about some of the not-so-good memories.
A jazz sign from my father
Last January, while in New Orleans with friends, I found myself in the lobby of a boutique, antique hotel on Frenchman Street. It was softly lit by pink lights, turning the white marble fireplace and walls into a warm, cozy place. We sat on wrought iron chairs with small cushions, a bird bath sized table between us. A jazz trio warmed up as we sipped our drinks. I was thinking about my dad, and how much he would have loved this. The trio launched into their first song, “Cheek to Cheek”, my dad’s favorite Ella Fitzgerald song. I knew it was my dad, saying hello. I smiled, and said aloud: “Thank you for the song, Dad, I miss you and love you!”
These moments make me feel close to my father, who died in 2011. They remind me of his smile, his easy laughter, and the things he taught me.
Our relationships change us physiologically, neural pathways are created by our interactions, our connection, our memories. The imprint of that person on you is coursing through your body and if you can be open to those neuropathways bubbling to the surface, we can find meaning in small signs in the world around us.
A lion sign from my nephew
My nephew died in 2016, a little over a year after I moved to London. We called him Ryan The Lion: he was a sweet, rambunctious kid who fell through the cracks of an extremely acrimonious divorce. In the UK, there are lions everywhere. It’s a symbol of royalty here, and they are literally everywhere. I didn’t realize this at the time, but instead found so much comfort in the lions on the back of found 10p coins, the lions on the back entrance of the British Museum, the lions at Trafalgar Square.
They remind me of the playful side of him, the joyful side. The picture below is me on September 13th, the anniversary of Ryan’s death and also my darling daughter’s birthday. I was out with friends and I passed this gate full of golden lions. I touched each one as I passed by, saying “Hello, Ryan the Lion, I miss you, I wish you were here.
Seeing lions reminds Rachel of the playful side of her nephew who died.
In many cultures, butterflies are considered messengers from our dead loved ones. It’s June 2020, and we were in lock down. I had the sliding door to the garden open. I read about the passing of my high school music teacher, Gary Kramer, and just then a little yellow butterfly flew into the house and towards me. It danced near me then flew back out into the garden as I called, “Hi Gary!”. A blue butterfly flew in and did the same. “Hi Ryan!” I exclaimed and then – almost unbelievably – a small white butterfly flitted in as well. “Hi Dad!” So much joy filled my heart at this impossible, wonderful, magical threesome.
What signs have you seen? What signs might you look for? All you need to do is stay a little bit open, be aware, and say hello back.
Rachel Fowler is a storyteller. Whether as an actor, director, writer, or coach, she celebrates human stories, and the power they have to heal, reveal hidden truths and to transform. She is passionate about making the world more grief literate and more compassionate, both towards ourselves and each other. Finding signs and connections with our dead loved ones is at the heart of her next short film, SOMEWHERE VERY NEAR. Her mission is to offer this film to schools with an age-appropriate workshop to gently explore the concepts of death and bereavement. Visit www.rachelafowler.com/somewhereverynear.
