My father died of suicide when I was five years old, and I often feel like I grieve the loss of a dad rather than a loss of my dad. I was so young that I barely have any memories of him. I also question those I do have: Are they real? Are they mine? Or are they memories or stories people have told me?
Thankfully I discovered something that felt like my own unique connection to him: playing guitar. My father was in his own band and played every instrument you could imagine. Growing up, I was always told how much my father loved music and how he taught himself to play many instruments when he was young. He apparently always tried to get my sister and me to play different instruments too, whether it was piano, singing, or the bass. There is a picture of me, probably three years old, playing the drums.
“My dad was self-taught, so that’s how I’m learning.”
Although he persisted in trying to get us to play an instrument, my sister and I were into sports. That was our thing. It wasn’t until last year, 11 years after my father died, that something came over me, and I decided to try learning the guitar.
It was challenging at first, especially since I was teaching myself. My mom offered to pay for me to take classes, but I wanted to teach myself just as my dad had done. With the help of YouTube and some friends, I picked up playing pretty quickly and found so much joy in it. It was so fun learning new songs and being creative in a way sports never let me do.
“Every time I play my dad’s guitar, I feel connected.”
The coolest part about it was being able to use the same exact instruments I knew my dad used because my mom hung his old guitars on the wall after he died. I suddenly felt like I could connect to him in a way I never was able to before. I’m now learning the ukulele and bass.
Although I wish my dad were here to help me learn how to play music, I am so grateful to have this gift—and to know I fulfilled his dream of having his kids follow in his musical footsteps.
Sarafina F., age 17, has been attending Experience Camps since 2018, and serves on the Experience Camps’ Youth Advisory Board.
