As a grief support specialist at Experience Camps, I work with many school-age campers who are impacted by the ways that people respond to their loss. Many campers have experienced missing out on invites to birthday and holiday parties. They’ve shared how hurtful it can be when they are left to wonder if it is because others don’t want to acknowledge their grief, or if others don’t want to be around them when they’re sad.
As a psychologist who specializes in grief and trauma, I know the other side of the equation as well: people who are not grieving often ask me whether they should invite someone they know who is grieving to their holiday festivities. They often wonder if it will be weird, rude, or uncomfortable. They wonder how they can be inclusive even though the idea of hosting someone who is profoundly sad makes them nervous or stressed out.
Perhaps you’re wondering right now if you should be inviting a certain grieving person you know to your gathering. You may be asking yourself if it’s the right thing to do, especially if you’re not even that close.
Here are a few guiding thoughts.
1. Start with this simple question: Would I have invited them before their person died?
If the answer is yes, then the answer now is almost always yes as well. Grief doesn’t turn someone into a different person; it simply makes life heavier for a while. Offer the same friendship, the same connection, and the same invitations you would have before. And remember: an invitation is not pressure. It’s permission. They can say yes, no, or “I honestly have no idea right now.”
2. How you extend the invitation matters.
A generic invite (“Hey, party on the 18th!”) can feel jarring when someone’s life has been upended. It can come across as dismissive or oblivious, even if that’s not your intention. A better approach is a small, thoughtful acknowledgment before the formal invite. Something like:
“I know this season might be really hard, and you may not be up for parties. I’m going to send you an invitation anyway because I’d genuinely love to see you if you feel up to it. No pressure to respond right away—or at all.”
This kind of message does several important things:
- It acknowledges their grief without making assumptions about it.
- It affirms that their presence is welcomed, not required.
- It gives them emotional room to decide.
- It lets them know you’re not expecting anything from them.
3. If they say yes, great. If they say no, that’s also great.
If your grieving friend says no, they just can’t deal with it this year, consider it a good sign that they are able to figure out what works for them (or doesn’t right now). Perhaps you can send them a small gift, reminding them that you’ll be there for them in whatever capacity they need, or invite them for a one-on-one get together. By doing so, you can show them you respect their choice and show how much you care.
Tziporah Ladin-Edelman is looking forward to spending their third summer as a grief specialist with Experience Camps in Michigan. They are currently a fourth-year doctoral student at the Illinois School of Professional Psychology They specialize in grief and trauma and enjoy working in community-mental health settings. In their free time, Tziporah enjoys spending time with family, Latin dance, and playing Dungeons and Dragons.
